Houston, We Have a Problem

You know that thing where you feel completely at peace about an old conflict? You are ok about it now. You’ve forgiven. Been forgiven. Phew! Maturity and peace at last! It’s totally done, right?..

Until you run into that person unexpectedly and your stomach squeezes up, your expression sours, and you maniacally duck behind cars in a parking lot and hide until the person you had no idea you still had venom in your heart for finally leaves? And, all the while you’re thinking What in the blue blazes is wrong with me? What am I — 12?

Or, if the situation cannot be avoided and you have to have a polite interaction with this unfortunate old friend and you realize you suddenly feel the urge to bite them — hard? And, all the while you’re thinking I could totally do that right now and it would feel so stinkin’ awesome! What am I — in preschool?

I had a dream the other night that fully displayed the ugliness in my heart. I dreamt of a circumstance where I was at a social gathering and unexpectedly saw a person who has consistently been extremely difficult and caused a lot of pain over a lot of years (self-righteously, aggressively and absolutely unrepentantly). This former friend who I seriously thought I’d forgiven ages ago, thoroughly, haven’t-even-thought-about-it-in-forever kind of forgiven, walked up to me to start a conversation and my response was an emotional volcano. Like a raving lunatic, I thrust both arms straight out, palms flat in the universal sign for Stop Right Where You Are, and said “NO! You need to back up far away from me. Right now.”

I woke up and thought,

Houston, we have a problem.

That’s not me! For many years, yes, I struggled with being that foolish, emotional lunatic woman reacting wildly out of confusion, shock, grief and anger, increasing fear, insecurity, and the supreme agony of a crumbling, destructive marriage, but I’m not the person I used to be, thank GOD! He is helping me kill the crazy lady (over and over again) and I’ve made so much progress, but I cannot do it by myself any more than a puny pre-teen could kill a 9 ½ foot giant (1 Samuel 17) without the Lord doing the job through him. I can talk the talk, but walking the walk is like wearing lead boots. I simply am not capable of walking out of crazy-town on my own.

No matter what the relationship or circumstances, it takes the strength of God Almighty to walk in mercy and grace towards people who hurt you “deliberately, willfully, presumptuously, impudently, boastingly, maliciously, frequently, obstinately, with delight, and continually” (Westminster Larger Catechism) and to let go of what they continually, purposefully do while not letting it dig under your skin and poison you.

Remember that scene in Spiderman 3? The ultimate Nice Guy Peter Parker has grown obsessed with revenge and this evil, alien entity attacks him wrapping around his body, encasing him in the black, tarry mystery substance. This parasitic extraterrestrial has changed him into a dark character and amplified his aggression and desire for vengeance, which initially feels good and powerful, but it takes him almost to the brink of dangerous madness. When he sheds the malevolent tar in the bell tower of the Church, the black gooey stuff falls on Eddie Brock taking him over and he becomes the villain Venom.

“The panic (of deeply broken relationships, the silence, the rejection, the harsh words, the absence of intimacy, the questions, the lack of answers, the hurt) completely changes people — makes them act in ways they normally never would.” ~ Lysa TerKeurst

That’s it! Bitter, scornful, hateful, mocking, stomach-squeezing, aggressive, putrid unforgiveness is that vile and dangerous! It will take you over and it will take you down!

Unforgiveness can steal your thoughts, your joy, and even your health.

“Not forgiving — nursing a grudge — is so caustic, it raises your blood pressure, depletes your immune function, makes you more depressed and causes enormous physical stress to the whole body.” ~ Fred Luskin, PhD, a health psychologist at Stanford University and author of Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness

So, when dealing with difficult, destructive, or dangerous people or in painful, unfair situations, how do you firmly land in grace territory and also be a person with healthy boundaries, while not allowing your heart to get bound up in the gooey black tar of hidden unforgiveness and resentment?

It is definitely a process. It may feel cyclical in that you might think you’ve made a lot of headway and suddenly find yourself back at the beginning again. That’s ok. That’s normal. Hang in, babe.

Before forgiveness is even possible, you have to acknowledge what happened that caused you pain. Think back, walk through it, let yourself look at the situation from beginning to end. Maybe it was years long and this may take a while to unfold, or you may need a friend or two who knew what happened help you sort out the details that have gotten smashed together. You may need to talk this out with a counselor who can help you pull out the parts you’ve not wanted to admit happened especially if there was shame and/or abuse involved. But, spend some time there, acknowledge it, allow yourself to admit what hurt and why.

In the middle of that, please remember you are valuable, loved and cherished. It’s a good idea to have someone walk through the messy parts with you — a loving spouse or friend.

Remind yourself:

• God loves your weakness because it is perfected in His Strength (2 Corinthians 12:9).
• There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).
• We aren’t called to forgive, or invited to forgive, or asked to forgive. It isn’t a suggestion. We are commanded to forgive because we’ve been forgiven so much! (Colossians 3:13)
• It’s something that we choose to do in faith and it’s required again and again. (Matthew 18:21-22)

I am absolutely Guilty As Charged for being: selfish, self-centered, immature, touchy, controlling, sharp, envious, discontented, ungracious, suspicious, gossip-y and on and on. I’ve thought really bad things. I’ve said really bad things. I’ve done really bad things and yet I’ve been forgiven. So, I have no reason on earth not to extend that same inconceivable, no holds barred, lavish grace and mercy on those around me. Even those who have done the most harm. Even the remorseless.

It always comes down to Love, doesn’t it?

Love changes the whole ballgame.

In a weird sense, what someone else chooses to do to you or me is none of our business. Hang on, you might be thinking WHAT?! Of course, it’s my business! but hear me out.

It’s God’s job to bring justice, not yours or mine. It’s God’s job to speak to others’ hearts, not yours or mine. As Joyce Meyer says, I’m not Holy Spirit, Jr. We might need to press into relationship with difficult people or through really hard situations purely out of obedience to God, even if that person doesn’t see the harm they’ve done or feels self-righteous about it.

“Avoiding people who’ve disappointed you is an easy thing; moving towards them and praying for redemption is a Gospel thing.” — Scotty Smith

It doesn’t mean that we cannot still pray for God to deal with injustices in His perfect way (which we usually do not understand and sometimes takes a long, long, long time to come about). Depending on the situation, we might need to make wide, tall boundaries, or put safe “bodyguards” in place to handle unpredictable circumstances. We might even need to make a clean cut and stay away from it all together for safety’s and sanity’s sake. Particularly in cases of repeated abuse, it’s important to remember that there’s no command to forgive & forget. For a lot of women forgiving & forgetting has been tremendously dangerous.

But, it's my job to be aware of my own sin and deal with that between me and God. Daily root out bitterness. Daily cut out self-righteousness. My heart and my standing with God is my concern. What I choose to do with His unimaginable love and forgiveness is my choice. I can either throw it away with scorn, and sarcasm, and division, and focus on anger and upsetness, injustice and resentment, or rejoice in the goodness and mercy of what He has done for me and choose to leave the rest to Him. That's easily said sitting in my comfy chair with a cup of pomegranate tea, but it is brutally hard in the face of radical betrayal, particularly unapologetic, radical betrayal. Especially the “deliberate, willful, presumptuous, impudent, boasting, malicious, frequent, obstinate, with delight, and continual” kind.

To tell you the truth, I started researching, studying and writing this several days ago and then was dealt an awful, ironic and cruel injustice and had to start the battle from scratch again. I’m really glad that my initial response was Jesus, I cannot touch this thing with a ten-foot pole or I will get eaten alive! I choose forgiveness right now! God, this is Your problem, not mine. That helped, but it has been wicked hard. My heart is so easily filled with immature, selfish, petulant, vengeful thoughts, particularly when stung bitterly. It makes me daily cry out Oh, Father, please don’t ever leave me as I am. Change my heart, Abba!

Forgiveness really is a scandalous decision. For God to forgive me and forgive you when we still choose to betray Him and His covenant over and over again — it’s nonsensical, preposterous. For you to forgive, for me to forgive — it’s 100% counter-culture. A rebel yell of Jesus-culture.

It's an act of brazen defiance against my own flesh. Choosing soft-heartedness is choosing to have your heart tenderized with a meat mallet. It's painful. It's bloody. It changes the shape of you. It changes your malleability. Lord, whatever you have to pound out, pound away.

But, it’s something we must do out of obedience to God and it is for our benefit. What do we get out of choosing to forgive others? FREEDOM! Freedom from the tarry, malevolent parasite of resentment, anger, bitterness. Freedom to love those around us wholeheartedly. Freedom to dream of and pursue happy reunions and beautiful reconciliations. Freedom to live the abundant life (John 10:10).

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. — Colossians 3:13

I have $19.13

I have $19.13.

$19.13 and a stack of unpaid bills with no clue how they will get paid. My three younger children and I live with my parents. The only belongings I have with me are my clothing, bathroom stuff, a computer, desk, fax machine, books, a few Christmas decorations, and a broken camera. My car has needed serious repairs (as in — it could become inoperable at any time) and two new tires for a year, and I'm almost out of gas. There is not enough food in the fridge and pantry for two days. The milk ran out three days ago. I have been looking for more work for a long time, but no one is chomping at the bit to hire someone who has been a stay-at-home, homeschooling mother of five with a wrist injury that has needed surgery for over a year, and without a college degree. We just keep falling further and further below the poverty line.

It is a daily battle to not freak out. The grasper within me could definitely spin and spin on "What am I going to do?" 24/7.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am

I'm trying to hear that still small Voice

I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have You heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have You given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need You

God, I need You now.

~ From "Need You Now" by Plumb

Of course, unlike the issue of relational vulnerability, it is zero surprise to me that I have a deep need for security. It's one of the top needs for all women, especially mothers. It's right up there with the needs for:

• Love
• Physical safety/ protection from danger
• Devotion/ being cared for and valued
• Faithfulness
• Honesty, trustworthiness and openness
• Affection (not sex) as well as sexual intimacy

Nothing can bring a real sense

of security into the home

except true love.

~ Billy Graham

Heck, it's right up there with the need for oxygen and food!

Given that, I was shocked when God asked me this question…

"What do you spend more time dwelling on, Anna

— your lack of security and provision, or Me?"

Those who cling to worthless idols

turn away from God's love for them. — Jonah 2:8

Whatever I focus on grows. Whatever I study, nurture and dwell on develops within me. Do I want that to be fear? Anger? Disappointment? Do I want to get swallowed up by injustice? Eaten alive by bitterness, hard-heartedness, and self-righteousness? NO!

I've committed to being a daily repenter and a fierce prayer warrior. I’ve committed to being a second-chance-grace person, someone whose last answer is always forgiveness and grace. Forgive, pray, bless. No excuses. No exceptions.

I want my focus to be radical trust in God. I want the fruits of the spirit to grow within me. Love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Hope. Forgiveness. Thankfulness. Humility. Mercy. Grace. Joy. I want those fruits to be manifest in pouring out love upon others. Sharing the Gospel. Others-focus. Service. Compassion. Reckless, obedient giving.

One story I love about courageous faith is Elijah and the widow at Zarephath. She’d gotten down to only enough flour and oil to make one small meal for herself and her son before they would starve. But, God sent Elijah to her after he’d been hiding in the Kerith Ravine miraculously fed meat and bread by ravens morning and evening. She and her son were saved by her incredible faith and obedience to first make a meal for Elijah, and believe that God would provide for them. (1 Kings 17:7-16)

Here is the ultimate question that everyone has to wrestle with:

Do I trust that God is good?

It’s interesting that that question assumes that if something bad happens, it's His fault, His choice, He did it, which of course isn’t true at all! Some things are the result of our own sin and the natural consequences that follow. Some things are done to us because there is sin in the world. In neither of those situations did God do the bad thing! Once we figure that out we have to struggle with the problem of God allowing evil to occur foreknowing the exact ways He planned to cause all of it to work together for good (Romans 8:28).

Fear is simply not relying upon His goodness and mercy. The desire to somehow control my circumstances isn’t trusting His sovereignty. Under that foundational, core-of-my-being need for security is a desperate cry for the safety of love, not temporal love because all of mankind (men & women) is sinful and selfish, but God's safe, sure, unrelenting Love.

That Love never abandons. Ever.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. — Deuteronomy 31:6

So, do I trust God and believe in His goodness and His love when we have no milk for several days?

When there is no gas in the car?

When my children's shoes have holes?

When the 30th application for a job goes unanswered?

Or the 40th?

Do I have the chutzpa to fully trust God absolutely no matter what? No holds barred. Even if nothing ever gets any better?

Can I live a life truly full of Holy Spirit joy in the face of absolute uncertainty?

Can I set aside worry and humbly give God the sacrifice of heartfelt praise for His tender mercies?

Do I have the fortitude to proclaim "Yes" to whatever unknown is before me and trust that God is holding me, His beloved, safely with His righteous right Hand?

Am I brave enough to fight fear with the spiritual weapon of a thankful heart, mind and mouth?

Am I audacious enough to be grateful for our daily bread letting tomorrow's needs be put off until tomorrow?

"The seeds of depression cannot take root in a grateful heart." — Jones, in Andy Andrews' The Noticer

Today:

I have $19.13 which is more than $0.

We have a roof over our heads and live-in encouragement.

We have clothes to wear.

There is a little bit of gas in my car, she keeps running, and the tires, like the Israelite's shoes that didn't wear out for 40 years (Deuteronomy 8:4), have made it way, way longer than they have any right to!

There is food for right now in the fridge and the pantry.

I get daily kisses and snuggles from three of my kids.

I have friends to call on for support and who’ve got my six.

I have prayer warriors who do battle on my behalf as I have the privilege to do for them.

I have a great, big God who sees our every need, and He is the God who loves beyond my ability to comprehend.

I wish sometimes that I didn't live in a state of constant desperation for God's immediate intervention, until I realize — wait — that's the very best place to be.

Desperate need is the birthplace of abundance. God does some of His best work in the direst of circumstances. Desperation is a breeding ground for miracles! It’s also the school of humility, repentance, compassion, empathy, prayerfulness, submission, will-lessness, others-centeredness, a grateful heart, and laying down the Me-Monster of "my way". Desperation is the genesis of spiritual growth and maturity.

So, I say yes. Yes, with deep thankfulness for His mercy, His salvation, His grace upon grace upon grace. And, it is going to be ok. Way more than ok. He's the God who turned five loaves of bread and two fish into food enough for five thousand, plus twelve baskets full left over (Matthew 14:13-20). He’s the God who turned two servings left of oil & flour for bread into food enough for three in a time of severe famine.

Who knows what unimaginable things He can do with $19.13?

It's from the deepest wounds that beauty finds a place to bloom,

and you will see before the end

that every broken piece is gathered

in the heart of Jesus and what's lost

will be found again.

~ From “Nothing Is Wasted” by Jason Gray

God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need Him. We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in seastorm and earthquake, before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains. Jacob-wrestling God fights for us, God-of-Angel-Armies protects us. River fountains splash joy, cooling God's city, this sacred haunt of the Most High. God lives here, the streets are safe, God at your service from the crack of dawn. Godless nations rant and rave, kings and kingdoms threaten, but Earth does anything He says, Jacob-wrestling God fights for us, God-of-Angel-Armies protects us. — Psalm 46:1-7 The Message

What Now?

Like so many of you, I hate separation and I hate divorce. 

So many people have spent years or even decades agonizing over a marriage that, despite their best efforts (faulty, human, and broken, but heartfelt efforts), in spite of love, commitment, sacrifice, relentless praying, and oftentimes many attempts to seek peace, mutual humility, repentance, love, respect, and renewal... crumbled. 

Christians. Jesus-followers. Some very familiar with abuse or the pall of addiction, some having discovered infidelity, some still hoping for healthy restoration, all having made mountains of mistakes.

Most having not the foggiest idea what to do with the wreckage. And all grappling with God.

On top of that, the Church, my friends, well... the Church has been known to shoot its wounded. 

That's why I'm so thrilled about my friend Beth's new book. Written in the middle of a painful separation and divorce, Unraveling is a story about the end of a Christian marriage, but it's also about hanging onto the One who will never forsake you.

* * * * *

So you’re divorced. Now what? By this point, you have probably divided up all your belongings and one or both of you have moved. Your driver’s license has been changed. You have your own credit card, maybe with a new name. You’ve done the hard work of telling people. You’ve maybe even sold your wedding ring or burned some old letters. But then there’s all the emotional work that has got to be done, or else you’ll be stuck making the same mistakes over and over again. And trust me, you don’t want that. So here are some things to think through so that you can begin to move on.

It’s time to get out of bed. Yes, you can take a nap here and there. Yes, you can totally go to bed early and sleep in on the weekends. And yes, if you need to take a few mental health days, go for it. But there will come a time when getting out bed and, you know, putting some clothes on other than yoga pants will be your first step. It will take months and months (sometimes years and years) to fully recover, but the emotional breakdown part should not last indefinitely.

Your part in the marriage’s failure. Odds are, you know exactly what your spouse did wrong. You probably have a journal filled up with his faults. But you need to take the really difficult inward look and ask yourself, where did I mess up? And then, you have to be brutally honest with yourself, with God, and for your best benefit, with a trusted person.

Focus on Jesus. Our friends are great. Our counselors are amazing. Church is exactly what we need. Twelve-step groups are sustaining us. But only as we focus on Jesus and His love and grace and truth will we be able to fully heal. This is the time to cling to Him, to beg Him to make His presence more known to you, to remind you in really intimate ways that He loves you no matter what.

Help someone else. What? I’m still hurting! I know you are, honey. So am I. But there’s this great verse in II Corinthians 1:4 where Paul tells us that God “…comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” We are promised that we will receive God’s comfort in every single trouble we go through SO THAT we can offer that same comfort to others. I bet you know someone who is in a hard marriage or separated or divorced (we all do). And you now know some things that you didn’t know six months or a year ago, some things about life and God and yourself, that your friend doesn’t know yet… that your friend could really benefit from hearing from you. Even in your healing time, God can use you to comfort someone else. Listen, this will take time. Healing doesn’t happen overnight. But God is faithful. And He’s not going anywhere. And He loves you more than you can even wrap your mind around. And trust me when I say this, you’re going to be okay.

Elisabeth Klein Corcoran, the author of Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage, speaks several times a month to women's groups, and is a member of Redbud Writers' Guild. During her time at Christ Community Church’s Blackberry Creek Campus in Aurora, Illinois she began and led their women's ministry for ten years prior to moving to the city’s Orchard Community Church. She lives with her children in Illinois. Visit her online at http://www.elisabethcorcoran.com/difficult-marriage-divorce/ or https://www.facebook.com/ElisabethKleinCorcoran. She is the moderator of two private Facebook groups: one for women in difficult Christian marriages, and one for Christian women who are separated or divorced. Email her at elisabethkcorcoran@gmail.com if interested in joining.

Grace Factories

“To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means.” ~ Brennan Manning 

Here's a newly uncovered truth... Vulnerability terrifies me.

Seriously, that's news to me.

I'm not talking about the vulnerability that living in normal community requires. I can do that. And not the vulnerability that friendship depends upon. I can do that.

I'm talking about the exposure of authentic soul-bearing that comes with living life intimately with trusted, bosom friends. People who know all your junk, the highs, the lows, your dreams, and fears, the beautiful, and the ugly, the lovely, and the shameful stuff you'd never want anyone to know. And people who give you the privilege of sharing their big messes with you, their weaknesses, strengths, victories, and failures, and are willing to let you see the raw truth of what it looks like when life hits the fan. People who can speak truth and grace into your life and will let you speak the same into theirs.

"It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So... to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship." ~ Henry Ward Beecher

I'm taking about those mutual relationships where both sides are second-chance grace people. (Rick Warren's term) Where deep truth and limitless mercy walk side-by-side.

Don't just pretend to love others. 

Really love them. 

Hate what is wrong. 

Hold tightly to what is good. 

Love each other with genuine affection, 

and take delight in honoring each other. 

— Romans 12:9-10

Grace factories. People who look at every detail of your brokenness — the shards of what has shattered — and see a mosaic that's beautiful. They don't just see the mess, they see the redemption built into it. Or at least they're willing to trust that God can take the mess that is me (or you) and make something beautiful.

 

  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. — 2 Corinthians 12:9

  He has saved us and called us to a holy life — not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time — 2 Timothy 1:9

I don't think I do that well because down deep it scares the woowee out of me.

But, I want to.

At my weakest moments, it feels like all I have to offer is brokenness and failure. My story is certainly one of a lot of brokenness and spectacular failure.

We want to avoid suffering, death, sin, ashes.
But we live in a world crushed and broken and torn,
a world God Himself visited to redeem. We receive His poured-out life,
and being allowed the high privilege of suffering with Him,
may then pour ourselves out for others.
~ Elisabeth Elliot

God uses broken things. 

It takes broken soil to produce a crop, 

broken clouds to give rain, 

broken grain to give bread, 

broken bread to give strength. 

It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. 

It is Peter, weeping bitterly, 

who returns to greater power than ever. ~ Vance Havner

The truth is that God does use broken things. That is the truth of my story and of yours. He remakes us. He transforms us as we step out into the vulnerability of authentic relationship with others in the Body of Christ and extend understanding, comfort, mercy, help, and love to those around us.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. — 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

But, it takes vulnerability.

So, in theory, yes, I want to live that transparently with close, trusted friends, but... Yikes!

"Broken people are willing to take the risks of getting close to others and loving intimately." — Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Why is it so scary?

For me, it comes down to fear of rejection. The fear that says "If you only knew the real me, you would probably not want to be my friend." The fear that remembers those who bailed. Those who hurt me. And those that I hurt.

Maybe you can relate. 

I've been betrayed, lied to, rejected, blamed, discarded... I felt very alone in a 20+ year marriage and was eventually left actually alone. The person who covenanted before God and about a thousand family and friends to love and cherish me until death do us part spent years slowly abdicating his husbandhood. He said he didn't think he "should have to" make the effort to be married for a lifetime in a healthy manner, to repent of his wrongs and hear my repentance, to mutually submit, and mutually rebuild something lovely. Our family wasn't worth the effort. I wasn't worth the effort.

So vulnerability makes my insides quake. Why? Because when you give people your heart, they can really, really, really hurt you.

Is vulnerability with others scary for you, too?

I have a fear of heights. A bad one. No, fear is too small a word. It's a phobia. Some of my worst nightmares involve skyscrapers (even standing at the bottom of one and looking up makes me dizzy!), falling off of a cliff, and tightrope walking (Nik Wallenda walking 1/4 mile tightrope across the Grand Canyon, 1500 feet up, on a 2" tightrope, in heavy 30-mph winds gave me hives. I couldn't look and yet couldn't look away!).

Several years ago my family was at a water park and my kids double-dog-dared me to do the big slide, called "The Liquidator" with them. Two or three stories high -- I forget, so let's just say three because that sounds better -- it had steps up to the top platform where you entered the slide. I thought, "I can do this. I'll just walk the steps looking up and never look down. *Deeep breath*... Piece of cake."

Up up up we went. And when we got to the top, I made the catastrophic error of looking out over the water park showing just how high we were in a little wooden tower, so I made the obvious choice and slammed my body down flat on my belly on the platform and prayed out loud, "Sweet Jesus, help me!"

My kids were flipping out, "Mama! Get UP! You're embarrassing us!" But, I could no more get up than I could fly, so I army crawled to the slide, made my way in it with eye-rolling water park attendees having no empathy that I was sure I was going to die in the process.

Not my finest moment.

At the bottom I vowed that I would never do anything that scared me again.

Vulnerability makes me shake.

It's just not smart to do things that scare you, right?

Here's the only problem with that: Jesus totally called us to live life in intimate community, and to live a life out on the edge where it's scary!

But, just google "Do not fear" to see how many Bible verses command us not to be afraid!

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. — Deuteronomy 31:6

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.— Joshua 1:9

David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you — 1 Chronicles 28:20

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. — Isaiah 41:10

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13

We just don't have permission to go through life not doing the scary stuff. That doesn't mean we have to trust people right off the bat. That's not even wise. Relationships take time and effort and mutual care and love. And people are going to fall short. They're going to hurt you and they're going to hurt me. Even the second chance grace people. Even though they don't mean to. And, the truth is that I will hurt others. Even though I don't mean to.

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one." — C.S. Lewis

Cultivating a circle of friends who walk and live in authenticity, and I mean real, soul-bearing truth, who are committed to radical grace might be scary, but I think we can do it. What about you?

Maybe it's time to try "The Liquidator" again.

Or... maybe it's time to skydive.

Sleeping in the Storm

Then He got in the boat, His disciples with Him. The next thing they knew, they were in a severe storm. Waves were crashing into the boat — and He was sound asleep! They roused Him, pleading, “Master, save us! We’re going down!” Jesus reprimanded them. “Why are you such cowards, such faint-hearts?” Then He stood up and told the wind to be silent, the sea to quiet down: “Silence!” The sea became smooth as glass. — Matthew 8:23-26 (The Message)

By the time my marriage and family started to take on water at an alarming rate, sleep was already not my friend. I was in a full-blown battle with anxious sleeplessness, worried and desperate for God to make things be ok, for us to make it through the storm. Needless to say, huge understatement, this did not help things.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength." ~ Corrie Ten Boom

Two years ago, I fought every single night for hours at a time all summer long, for three months solid. I ached for sleep. I would have paid big bucks for 9 hours of precious REM. During the day when I had a thousand things to do and five kids needing my attention, I was bone-deep exhausted and could have slept a solid eight, but past midnight, not a wink could be had. When sleep would not come, irrational fears (and, it later turned out, very rational and well-founded fears) crept in, middle-of-the-night anxiety, spiritual warfare for my marriage, my husband and older son, and in this state of exhaustion, the creeky house noises only freaked me out further.

At 2am, let's just say the inside of my head can be a very bad neighborhood.

I have still struggled from time to time in the last year with the midnight fear sessions, but thankfully not often. Still, a few weeks ago, I heard this message from Pastor Choco de Jesus that hit me straight between the eyes.

"You know what Jesus is telling you 

when you're going through storms in your life?

You're going through a separation or divorce... 

You're going through a hard time...

You know what He's trying to tell you?

'GO TO SLEEP!'

Go to sleep. There's no reason for you to be up at 2:00 in the morning worrying about things. 
Go to sleep."

~ Pastor Wilfred "Choco" de Jesus

He preached that sermon, looked straight into my soul, and practically shouted directly at me, "Anna! Ignore the storm. Pay no attention to the waves and the rip-tides and go to sleep! God is bigger than and utterly in command of any storm." 

Then, of course, I totally deleted it from my memory bank 16 hours later and walked straight into the 'hood at 2am and let the what-ifs, the panic, and self-condemnation start another riot.

In the morning, I thought, "Really? Still?"and I saw those message notes on my desk (right next to me all night long). Darn it! If only I had turned on the light (How's that for a metaphor?) and gotten into the Word and digested again Jesus' perfect peace!

• God has got it. (Psalm 46:10, Psalm 115:11, Isaiah 44:8)
• He is good. (Psalm 121:1-2, Psalm 100:5, Psalm 143:10)
• He is loving. (Psalm 144:2, Isaiah 43:1, Zephaniah 3:17, Luke 1:78)
• He is with me. (Psalm 56:3-4, Isaiah 41:10, Daniel 10:12 Matthew 11:28-30)
• Don't worry about anything. (Psalm 34:4, Proverbs 3:5-6, Isaiah 12:2, Matthew 6:25-34, Matthew 14:27-31, John 14:27, Romans 8:31-39, 1 Peter 5:6-7)
• Instead pray and give thanks. (Psalm 107:1, Psalm 118:1, 1 Thessalonians 5:18, Revelation 11:17)
• Everything's going to be ok! (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11, Ephesians 3:20-21, 1 Peter 5:7)

Jesus isn't worried. Why should I be? How can I so easily forget that?

"Rest is not some holy feeling that comes upon us in church. It is a state of calm rising from a heart deeply and firmly established in God." ~ Henry Drummond

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. — Philippians 4:4-9

So, if I want that peace, I have to practice rejoicing, setting aside anxiety, thanking God for His goodness, guarding my heart and mind, thinking about the right things and leaving the rest to God. It's changing the way I choose to live from the inside out. Squeeze an orange and orange juice comes out. When life puts the squeeze on, what's inside comes out. 

For me, some of what has surfaced and what the Lord has been dealing with through this storm is fear and anxiety, lack of faith, my control freak tendencies, self-condemnation, and ultimately my not yet living my true identity in Christ Jesus. 

I'm safe in Him. Forgiven. Loved. And able to rest wholly in His sufficiency. 

Recently, I turned my mother onto one of my very favorite devotionals, the classic Streams in the Desert by L. B. Cowman. She told me about a passage that ministered to her. It was just a short poem. As dawn broke on that particular midnight worry session, it occurred to me that it was actually a song. A song I taught my kids years ago. "With Christ in the vessel, I smile at the storm."

How many times have I sung that and didn't pay one bit of active attention to it? How many years had God been singing out to me the assurance of His presence and the opportunity for perfect peace in the middle of suffering, heartbreak, worry, illness, or uncertainty.

I don't have to freak out! The sun is shining, not just up above the clouds, but right here. Right now. The God of the Universe is on His Throne. And, it's going to be alright.

Across the storm, God's assuring voice sings love.

My God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:19

God has got it. Even if everything goes completely opposite of anything looking remotely like what you desire or think is right. Even if... God is in control. 

God's got it.

He is good. 
He is loving.
And He is with you.
You don't have to worry about anything. 

Instead pray and give thanks.
Everything is going to be ok.

In this life when trouble comes there's a place we can go.
We can hide in the promises that when trouble comes it's when we grow

Peace in the middle of the storm

There's peace in the middle of the storm

Winds of change may blow your way

There's peace in the middle of the storm

Peace in the middle of the storm

There's peace in the middle of the storm

His mercy's new for us today

There's peace in the middle, in the middle, in the middle of the storm

In this world, you never know when your time has come

But we can be sure that when it's time we'll have peace of mind that the battle's won

Peace in the middle of the storm

Peace in the middle of the storm

Winds of change may blow your way

There's peace in the middle of the storm

Peace in the middle of the storm

There's peace in the middle of the storm

His mercy's new for us today

There's peace in the middle, in the middle, in the middle of the storm

It's gonna be alright!

It's gonna be alright!

It's gonna be alright!

It's gonna be alright!

~Chris Lizotte, Peace in the Middle of the Storm

Are you in a storm, sweet one? Are you wondering where God is and what He's doing? Are you up at 2am with anxiety and fear? Remember, Jesus isn't worried. He has complete authority over your storm. And He says, "I love you. I've got this. Go to sleep."

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. — Luke 12:7

When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy. — Psalm 94:19

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. — 1 Corinthians 16:13

Now, may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you. — 2 Thessalonians 3:16